The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

My first post! I wish it could be a happy one.... On Thursday, March 3rd, I had an episode of panic and fainting. It was going to be a wonderful night because it was Tanner's Senior Send-Off Finance Banquet. Tanner and I were assigned spots at the VIP head table. No pressure, right? Well, it just so happened that I was sitting next to the main speaker's (James Clarke) wife (Andrea Clarke) for the dinner banquet. Aahhh!!!! We were also assigned to sit at the same table as one of the head professors, Bronson Argyle, with his wife, and Kim & Julie Smith, one of the Finance Department Chairs. I wasn't feeling overly stressed about the situation, but I did want to make a good impression for Tanner in front of all of these important people. Right at the start of the dinner I didn't feel good. I started feeling very hungry, my head started to spin, and I felt like passing out. Progressively, I just kept getting worse as the speakers would get up and say a few words. Andrea Clarke was so nice because she immediately rushed to the kitchen to get me some food and water, thinking that would help my body. Unfortunately, it did not. I finally got to a point where my body was shaking and Tanner had to literally pick me up and walk out in front of 400 people. Embarrassing much? Yeah, SUPER embarrassing.... It doesn't look so good when the Finance Society Co-President's wife has to be carried out at a really important banquet. Well, Tanner got me out to the couch in the foyer, and one of his former professors followed him out. Professor Brau asked me if I wanted a Priesthood blessing, and I said yes. I received the blessing, and although it didn't calm me in the moment, I do think it helped me to know that I would be okay eventually. My body would not stop shaking, though, and I was breathing rapidly, so Professor Brau called the BYU EMT's to come over and check my vitals. They rushed over, checked my vitals, and determined that everything looked fine, but the shaking continued to get worse. The BYU EMT's ended up calling the Provo City Paramedics, who came with an ambulance of course. They checked my vitals also, and determined everything looked normal, except that my heart rate was 120 bpm. A normal, at rest heart rate, is usually 60 bpm. Not good. By this time my dad had arrived and was trying to help the situation. Nothing was changing. My heart rate was very elevated, my body was shaking, and I kept feeling like I was going to pass out over and over again. One of the Provo City EMT's eventually asked me if I was anxious. I didn't feel anxious, but I guess it was possible. He said he thought I was having a panic attack about something. I don't know why, but that statement seemed to calm me down quickly. I was able to take some deep breaths, sit up and get the shaking and lightheadedness to stop, but I still felt very weak. My dad helped me to his car and took me home, while Tanner got our car and met us there. In the end, it was a very embarrassing and traumatic experience, but I am glad that nothing extremely serious happened. I could have ended up in the hospital for weeks, but instead I was able to go home that night and try to get some rest (which didn't happen by the way; I ended up waking up three times in the middle of the night in a panic, with the same shaking as before). I feel SOOOOOOOOO bad the I ruined Tanner's very important Finance dinner, but I am also SOOOOOO grateful for the many people who showed their love and support for Tanner and I in the difficult situation. I felt that Heavenly Father had sent multitudes of angels, seen and unseen, to aid me that evening. For that, I am so grateful. I am doing a little bit better now. It's been four days and my brain is still doing weird things and we're still trying to figure out what's wrong with me, but I am hopeful that this experience has set in motion a close to a horrific journey of bad health over the last three years. I can't even begin to describe or explain how badly I want to get back to my "normal" life where it's not hard to get out of bed every day. A life where I can actually be a good spouse and supporter to my hard-working husband. A life where I don't wake up and wonder if it's going to be a good health day or a bad health day. A life where I feel that I can reach my potential as a teacher, as a friend, and as a woman. I yearn for a day where my life feels full, wonderful, successful and productive. Although I know the road still won't be easy, I hope to be able to be a light and support to those who have suffered as I have suffered. To tell them it's okay to feel inadequate. It's okay to feel weak sometimes. Because guess what? Jesus Christ knows your pain, your sorrow, your weakness, everything. He knows it ALL. And He has suffered for it ALL. It used to bother me when people would say, "Oh, just give your trials or sufferings to Christ. He will carry the load for you." To me, I thought that meant that if I simply prayed for Christ to carry my burdens, then the burdens would automatically just go away. Well, it doesn't work like that. Allowing Christ to carry your burdens doesn't mean that you won't still feel the pain of those burdens, but it does mean that you put your full trust in Him and in Heavenly Father's Plan for you. That trust, in turn, helps to give you the strength to get through your trials and helps you to find the silver linings in what you are experiencing. You might feel some pain still, but when you give your burdens to Christ, the pain seems less because you are no longer focusing on the negatives of the situation. You are learning to rely on your Savior, and look for the positives in life. After all, Heavenly Father didn't send us to earth to be miserable. "Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:27) THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE JOY. We are here to experience joy. Now, in order to know what joy is and what it feels like, that also means we have to know what sorrow and pain feel like. Without that knowledge, we would never know happiness in this life. So, although this life is hard and brutal, at times, I know that Heavenly Father is allowing me to feel this pain so that I might also feel immense joy. Often I want to give up, and sometimes I tell Heavenly Father that he picked the wrong girl to suffer through this specific trial. I don't know exactly what Heavenly Father has in store for me in the future, and I don't know exactly the purpose for the trial I am in right now, but I do know that there is "joy in the journey." I know that my Savior and Heavenly Father love me, and I know that are aware of my situation. They have not forgotten me. I testify that angels are always around us, seen and unseen, helping to lift and guide us in this life. Tanner is definitely one of my angels. I testify that the gospel is true and that it provides both healing and comfort when we need it most. I know that my Savior lives and that He is constantly walking beside me in my trials. I love everyone who has prayed for me and helped me when I needed it. I couldn't get through my trials without the love and support of family and friends. Last, I want to share a scripture I came across in my readings recently. It is 1 Nephi 1: 20: "...But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance." 

These photos were taken BEFORE I started feeling terrible. At least we got something good from that night, right?